In which I confess to my sins
I couldn’t possibly not reply to this - the earnest exasperation just does me in and in it there’s the shine of truth: I am responsible to my readers -- as soon as I set a way for people to become my readers -- and I have failed them, insofar as I have not upheld my part of the bargain.
There’s a way in which I did not uphold my part of the bargain, and a way in which I did. I did not uphold what they think is the bargain, to feed them intellectual stimulation, and I have very much upheld what I see as my end of the bargain, contributing for the moral perfection of their souls.
Rival was never about the content, and it couldn’t possibly be about the content, because the content changed. Rival was always about a particular sensibility: the sensibility that transmuted into and through various Ugandan Knuckles (the maniac / solve part) until the recent emptying out into Cow Appreciator (the coming to terms, the grounded, the adult / coagula phase).
Of course no part of this was planned, you can’t plan spontaneous growth, it is always already being discovered in the moment. And it’s sharing is valuable because of that: showing how spontaneous growth is always available.
I’ve asked myself many times, what am I doing? I feared I had lost my mojo - I spent years trying new things and now I keep doing the same old things. What gives?
And what gives is that I am doing new things in a new way by doing the old things in a new way.
And that way is… less effort, less planned, less calculated, less thought out, less hyping-myself-for, less self-attacky, less self-contradictory, less self-violating, more life-affirming, more honest, more earnest, more direct, more fulfilling, more enriching, more enhancing, in sum, more… DAO.
Many years ago, I had -- I did -- I can’t even call it ‘therapy’ because the guy I did it with would be upset, where we were you didn’t need a license to do ‘therapy’ and he was actually a sociologist who happened to be profoundly interested in phenomenology. I was reading Gendlin at the time and the rest is history - we were a match and spent hours ‘roaming my mind-space’.
I was exasperated too, with him, and with us, at some point - ‘What are we doing all of this for?’ I asked. He mused that maybe in finding liberation myself I’d automatically liberate those around me and I thought he was full of shit.
I don’t think so anymore.
I have found myself redoing and undoing everything, everything, back from and to the moment I was born, ironing out all internal kinks, solving all complications, undoing all obscurations. My goal, my most profound goal is to act from a place of… wholeness, goodness, goodness and wholeness and, in that, letting that purity of intention infect others.
That is one answer. The other answer is that… All my previous writing style was maniac: I had something inside me that I’d die if I didn’t get out asap and so I did, asap. And I don’t feel like that anymore. Almost(?) all gets bodily processed now, I don’t need to offload it to the environment or to others and, the things that don’t, I just lack practice to properly capture.
There are two things like that, or two pieces I want to write. One about the dialectic of in/out, and another about [CENSORED FOR NOW]. Both are pieces that require me to grow: the first one to chase an idea that I can intuit but can’t yet wrap my mind around and the second to become emotionally and spiritually large enough to tell the story of my own life, for telling the story of that part of it requires all that context. And I -- I am merely 30 but I’ve lived a lot, many lives -- I would be sad to go today but I wouldn’t feel as though I hadn’t taken advantage of the blessing that existing is and I -- I never had a unified worldview. I know some people do, and I envy them, but I also know most don’t authentically generate them, instead getting them from external ideologies, and I don’t envy them.
All this to say, I’m still working, for you, I take time, and I hope you can be patient with me.